How to Make a Bollywood Movie | Bollywood Ripped Apart

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Step 1: Take a slightly lesser-known Hollywood movie for inspiration. Or, if you want to be innovative and unique, take a French movie. You will get lots of appreciation later on for your extra efforts in translation. In case you cannot find a Hollywood movie, or don’t understand English, pick an Old Bollywood Classic. If you want to come off as someone classy, just BUY the rights of the original and claim that it is not a remake, but your sincere tribute.

Step 2: Write your own understanding of the script. Copy line by line, remove all plot twists, tone down the dialogue to your clichéd Bollywood one liners, the classics being: “Main tumhare bachche ki maa banne wali hun,” “Pyar kiya hai koi jurm nahi,” “Ek na ek din main badla zarur lunga is beizzati ka”. The rest you can figure out on your own.

Step 3: Now, pick a Bollywood actor, preferably one whose dad can finance your movie. No, Harman Baweja is not an option. If your budget is limited, pick Emraan Hashmi, and give him a suitable actress for ‘certain situations’. If you can get a Khan, you are halfway through, just make sure to have him do extravagant promotions. For villainous roles, cast some worn-out actors who used to play the hero in the past, say Sanjay Dutt, or hire someone from down south.

Step 4: Get Himesh Reshammiya for music score, for short budget; he could fill in as your lead actor as well. Have him fill the background tone with needless beats and base. Remix each and every song, even if it is sung by Lata Mangeshkar herself. Do not forget to include two, three or maybe even four ‘item numbers’ with audacious titles such as ‘Tinku ki mummy, or Chamiya naam hai mera’.

Step 5: Have the actresses dress up in the minimum possible attire. Shoot the scenes in exotic foreign locations, they make for an exciting Western appeal. Make sure to get on board the best action directors, from films such as Matrix or 300. And, while shooting the action scenes, take charge yourself. Dismiss all their ideas, and apply only your own innovative action sequences (Physics is a bitch, neglect it).

Step 6: Blabber to news channels, and print media how you’ve hired ‘nothing but the best in business’ and that ‘movie has so many plot twists, it will bamboozle you’. Come up with an utterly ridiculous trailer, but remember to put in glimpses of all those item numbers. Paste sultry posters all across the country that appeal to the audience.

Step 7: Sit back, relax and enjoy. Take your girlfriend alongside you for the premiere. Have popcorn. When she stomps out in the interval, proclaim loudly that ‘the director, who made this, is a schmuck’ and that you didn’t have anything to do with the movie.

By Kumar Pratik