Atpati Beauty — how to look like Priyanka Chopra

Now again, this is a look that needs a lot of guts, as it needs no makeup.


1. For those eyes: Preparation needed right from the previous night. Either don't sleep at all — spend the whole night watching TV (Swami Ramdev's late-night yoga) — or else, spend hours together, crying miserably looking at a picture of your ex. (Now don't get sentimental, you'll cry thinking, "OMG! I was with him/her all the time!!"). And by one of these two simple ways, your eyes will be puffy and baggy like never before, perfect for 'the look'. 
2. For those lips: We call it the 'smitten with bitten' look. An evil insect in your garden plays the artist. Just One Bite! and you get those half swollen lips. 
3. Accessories: None. 
4. Make up: Totally none. Be careful with this. Even a hint of it can be harmful, for this look.
5. Clothes: Could be anything, who cares. Thankfully, they're not visible here.

With help of supporters, Raj Thackeray beats up wife for speaking in Hindi at home

Mumbai: 

Today a strange FIR was registered against Raj Thackeray at Worli Police Station. His wife Sharmila registered an FIR against Maharashtra Navnirman Sena (MNS) and its chief, her husband, for beating her. The news, which broke out in the afternoon, created shock and rage all over Mumbai, as the media started speculating the reasons behind the incident. The reason, allegedly, was that the wife had been caught talking in Hindi to a North Indian friend, for a genuine an idiotic reason that the friend didn't understand Marathi.

Raj Thackeray must be accused for
double standards if this dog hasn't
started speaking Marathi yet

Later in the evening, Mrs Thackeray held a press conference at her own parents' house at Juhu. Showing her wounds to the media (which flashed the images on TV by drawing big red circles around the wounds and bruises to mark them out), she recounted her tale of horror. She described how brutally she had been beaten up by Raj and his party workers.

"I was talking on phone with my friend from Uttar Pradesh in Hindi because she doesn't understand Marathi. Suddenly my husband arrived and saw me talking in Hindi. He lost his temper and started shouting Jai Maharashtra. Very soon, he and his party workers attacked me. I was thrashed badly by them."

On being asked what she will do next, she said, "I have decided to go to court, but I am not at all sure I'll get justice there, because the courts are scared of him. If they were not scared, all my in-laws would have been in jail today." 

Raj Thackeray has refused to apologise to his wife for this act. Meanwhile, television celebrity Rahul Mahajan has slammed him for making news for a reason he is usually associated with.

This amazing news shocked the whole of India. One of the many Indians in support of Mrs Thackeray, Lalu Prasad Yadav said, "Raj has not done anything good by beating his wife. This proves that he is a bad person. I never beat my dear wife Rabri. Instead she thrashes me everyday and even then I don't complain. He should apologise to his wife in public." Bal Thackeray came in support of his nephew and told the media that he used to do similar things when he was young. His spokesperson added that, now that he is old he can't even kill a housefly on his own.

BEST OF AUGUST 2010

All posts in August | Archives of all posts

This month, we introduced a new Back Page feature called the ProblemAtique (News Release | Section Link). Here is the list of the six best posts published on this blog in the month of July 2010, based on reader response and general opinion.

1. Experts insist PCB should pick a new team that can fix matches without getting caught (by Tanay Sukumar)
2. Five reasons why the Great Indian MP does indeed deserve a salary hike (by Sidharth Mehta)
3. Witches celebrate their guest appearance as item girls in the song Mehangai Daayan (by Tanay Sukumar)
4. Common Man asked to train for CWG, as more athletes refuse to come to India (by Tanay Sukumar)
5. Selected contestants of Sony TV's entertainment show to get free mental treatment (by Tanay Sukumar)
6. Primary school students go on mass bunk - teachers, parents shocked (by Tanay Sukumar)

Note: The Monthly "Best Of" Feature contains posts published only on the News Pages. You may browse through our Back Page and Evening Editions as well.

Experts insist PCB should pick a new team that can fix matches without getting caught

Meanwhile, ICC offers money to bookies if they can "fix" brains of Pak cricketers
Karachi: 

Several Pakistani ex-cricketers, match-fixers and commentators have insisted that the Pakistan Cricket Board (PCB) should select a fresh new team of cricketers who have the ability and shamelessness to do match- and spot-fixing without getting caught. In view of the approaching World Cup in March, the wide belief is that a new, more "undetectable" team —  a team of "smarter bluffmasters" — is the need of the hour. Particularly so, if Pakistan are to successfully lose the World Cup in the first round itself. Even the Pakistan PM has expressed worry and wanted the team to be punished for getting caught.

"Mohammed Amir can't certainly bowl 
no-balls on demand. Look how far 
his foot went in his attempt to throw no-balls. 
A Pakistan team needs to have undetectable 
match-fixers," opined Jadeja.

The current team has been slammed by critics the world over for not being able to bowl no-balls and spill easy catches without suspicion. "When you bowl so big no-balls for money, you don't deserve a Pakistan team berth," said NDTV's proud cricket expert Ajay Jadeja, who was once banned for match-fixing.

The whole Pakistan is cursing match-fixer Mazhar Majeed for having shared the details with an under-cover News of the World reporter. "Flood relief team sent to England caught!" screamed a newspaper headline, while another said, "The Diminishing Art of Match-Fixing — Caught Yet Again!" Pakistani media is of the belief that this time the fixing was done to generate money for the flood victims. "Till a month ago, all our fixing revenue went to terrorism camps and the ISI, but it's unfortunate that they were caught only when their cause was more honest — that of flood relief," said a news column.

In another news report, ICC President Sharad Pawar has offered bookmakers a huge amount of money if they can fix the brains of Pakistani cricketers.

The world of critics, meanwhile, is divided into two groups — 1) The people who are looking at fixing per se and not Pakistan's part in it, and are demanding "life bans" for having done something illegal, and 2) The people who are used to Pakistan's involvement in fixing, and want "retirements" for team members whose mind no longer allows them to escape being caught.

The Evening Edition | 08/30/2010 | Headlines That Should Have Been

Match fixing industry will make Pakistan richest nation by 2050: says Forbes report

First glimpses of Delhi's unpreparedness — CWG theme song launched in Gurgaon

Raj Thackeray to teach Aamir Khan Marathi on condition that he forgets every other language (Ref.)

India's aid to Pakistan flood victims will be used to attack India, assures Pak PM

Rakhi Sawant to ask participants the solutions to her own problems on "Rakhi Ka Insaaf" (Ref.)

SRK refuses character of Lalit Modi in new movie, afraid that he will not remain "Fair" & Handsome (Ref.)

Death of your parrot will put you in a coma | Astro-Anjaan (30 Aug - 5 Sep)

On the streets this week:
You will be insulted like a dark
ugly bitch. You'll be craving for
a melanin change.

MONDAY: Stop admiring Shashi Taroor – if you are planning to remarry, how can you make sure that your new wife will keep you happy?


TUESDAY: Planning to impress your boss at Pizza Hut??? Ordering chicken nuggets would be a bad idea, it will choke him to death and you will lose your expected chance of promotion.


WEDNESDAY: If you are bored at school start writing and talking gibberish during class hours with your neighbour.


THURSDAY: The tragic death of your parrot will put you in a half day coma. Thanks to pet stuffers, you can get it back in your living room.


FRIDAY: It would be a melodious day, you will learn a new humming tune which sounds like your piss hitting the commode.

On Facebook this week:
You'll be tagged on your naked
pic, captured by your dad when you
were two.

SATURDAY: Get drunk this evening, stand upside down and preach the fellow drinkers at the bar to look at life at a different angle.


SUNDAY: Have fun with your mom/wife at home, take apart all your major kitchen appliances... mix and match them.

Atpati Beauty - how to look like Tusshar Kapoor

This is the perfect Golmaal look that you can sport to impress your girlfriend.


1. Book an appointment with the barber... oops... the hair stylist under the banyan tree. If he's unavailable ask your little sister for help. And remember to use a large razor.
2. Apply castor oil on what is left behind on the scalp after shaving off much of your hair as in the pic.
3. Use the shaving cream and shave off hair from all your body parts, EXCEPT the face. Don't touch the face.
4. A slight smudge of your sister's red lipstick will help complete the get-up.


For best results don't bathe for a week and practise staring wide-eyed at everyone. Will help if you can flare your nostrils a bit.

Five reasons why the Great Indian MP does indeed deserve a salary hike

The following are few of the reasons why the increase of salaries of our beloved MPs is justified:

1. Remuneration for Free Entertainment: They provide free entertainment to the citizens of India and the world through the state-owned TV channel – Doordarshan (DD). They are directly responsible for increasing the TRP ratings of the otherwise boring Doordarshan. Since other news channels relay pictures from DD, it adds to the low revenue of DD.

2. The next best alternative: Our MPs are the next best alternative for the citizens of India to watch at prime time on their TV screens. The Indian Public have got bored of the usual Saas, Bahu & Saazish stuff, and therefore, the entertainment which the MPs provide while sitting in the Parliament has been a welcome change to the audience. Such great service by the MPs to the public – to not just their constituencies, but the whole nation – obviously makes them deserving for a salary hike.

Sheila Dixit in shock after the MEAGRE 
300% salary hike

3. Increase in sales of few products: Our MPs have been directly responsible for increasing the sales of few particular products such as "Microphones, Pens, and even Shoes". With every heated debate in Parliament, a large quantity of mics, pens and shoes are thrown, therefore giving opportunities of growth for these industries as more and more money shall be spent from Government funds on buying new mics and stationery. Obviously, our MPs shall not do such favours until and unless they get something back in return, so the salary hike once again is justified.

4. Brand Ambassadors: They are on the TV screens of each individual providing wholesome entertainment and drama. In the truest form, they are brand ambassadors of Incredible India!

5. Financing of other businesses: Our MPs are kings of multi-tasking. They do so many things other than making important policies for the country. They need the salary hikes so that they can fund their other businesses, specially in these trying times of recession.

It is a shame that our government denied a 500% increase in the salary of our MPs, and agreed upon just 300%. The Indian Public should realize that the MPs are very important people, and they do indeed deserve a 100 times more salary than what the average Indian earns.

With 315 out of 543 MPs being millionaires, they are a true representation of the 'India Growth' story. This needs to be given more mileage, and salary hikes should be more often. Also, with 150 MPs facing serious criminal cases, the salaries could be of great help to them for fighting these cases, and for hiring top notch lawyers. Such social service to the GREAT INDIAN MP should continue.

The Evening Edition | 08/18/2010 | Headlines That Should Have Been

Ultramodern Break-Up Method: Woman ends relationship by tying rakhi to boyfriend

Sunanda Pushkar glad to have been called Tharoor's "girl"friend at such an old age (Ref.)

Indian MPs' salaries raised by over 300%, but still less than their actual incomes (Ref.)

All dengue mosquitoes will be punished after Games if they bite foreigners, says Sonia Gandhi (Ref.)

Traffic jam in China grows to 100 km as people stuck in jam fall asleep, die of hunger (Ref.)

India's Miss Universe contestant hailed for her common sense after she went international in national costume round (Ref.)

Use room freshener instead of deodorant | Astro-Anjaan (23 Aug - 29 Aug)

In the chemistry lab: Your ass can burst
if a friend throws on it the chemical
whose name you can't pronounce

MONDAY: Try using a room freshener on your armpits, instead of a deodorant. You won't stink, trust me.

TUESDAY: If you are wondering why watching porn today didn't excite you, tell the problem to your parents.

WEDNESDAY: When your granddad sits down to share with you an old story of his own granddad, you'll realise that along with you, dumbness runs down your whole family and ancestry. 

In the playground: You won't get
to touch the ball, so better stay
home.

THURSDAY: You deserved to be beaten up the way you were, by your boyfriend. Not everyone's girlfriend is fat, after all. But then, with your body, you could have hit him back, stupid.

FRIDAY: Your smartphone will lose its smartness the moment you lose your own smartness. So don't believe in smartphones.

SATURDAY: You were born unfortunate. Why bother us to give tips?

SUNDAY: Try learning a new language. It is actually a method to realise what a slow learner you can be.

ProblemAtique #1 | Chachi and the man in love with his daughter's friend

A Guy Called Rick Asks: Chachi, I am a 40-year-old man in love with my daughter's 15-year-old friend. Chachi, she is a gorgeous, cheerful and very fun-loving girl. My wife passed away a year ago and I am in love with this pretty girl since then. Shall I propose to her? - Rick 

Chachi Speaks: Haye Haye!!! Somebody get me my belan and my broom ... quickly!!! I wish I could go back to the time when your mother was naming you. I'd have asked her to name you "Sick" instead of "Rick"! Listen, you retarded piece of shit, the girl is SUPPOSED to be the way you have described, most girls her age are! You'd have known this, had you looked after your own daughter, after her poor mother passed away. But no, you were busy checking out her friends instead! And you have been in "love" (slap yourself, you idiot!) ever since your wife passed away? Now I doubt how your wife passed away, was it an accident? Disease? An attack? or .... MURDER? @_@ Anyway, listen, loser, just MIND your eyes, senses, nose and everything else to simply STOP looking at that girl. And if you are not able to, contact me. I'd like to meet you personally ... hitting morons like you is my favourite pastime. My broom and belan are ready anyway. Shooo!!!!!!




Shoot your own questions at Chachi and get featured on next edition of ProblemAtique, on Saturday, September 4. Click here.

Atpati Beauty - how to look like Rani Mukherjee

How to Look Like Rani Mukherjee:


This look is a simple process. All that it needs is no effort and LOTS of guts. If you have them, follow as below:
1. Go to the bathroom. Come on, don't be scared. It's your own bathroom.
2. You see that washbasin? It has a water tap. Stand in front of it.
3. Put the tap on. Water begins to flow. Why is your expression appearing more scared now?
4. Now take some water in your hands and put it on to your face. Come on, you can do it. Just wash off the hundreds of layers that pan-cake your face.
5. Wear anything from your wardrobe, take any bag and that pair of earrings your maid refused to take.


And you are done. A man-like baritone touch to your voice would be an icing on the cake.


(Photo Courtesy: Link)